The ten people you’ll meet at Lakehead

Disclaimer: purely satire.

All characters portrayed in this listicle are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or dead) (reccer or otherwise) should be inferred.

By: Leah Ching

  1. The Engineering Student  #LakeheadEngineering2017 #TheStruggle

They’re super busy. They’ll tell you about how they’re taking six classes every semester, and will indirectly imply how much harder their program is than yours. They will tell you how expensive their textbooks are. They sport that blue backpack with pride. They still have time to hit up the Outpost on Thursday for Pub night, and possibly Tankards on Tuesdays too. They have told you multiple times that the struggle will be worth it, because they’re going to have a job lined up right after graduation. Can you do that with your humanities degree? Engineering student thinks not! You still don’t understand the mechanics of what they do (Maps? Math? Bridges and stuff?).  There’s a 50% chance they’re handsome, but a 100% chance they’re aware of that.  They’re on Tinder – they will let you know that they’re an engineer in their bio. 

    2. The Partier #REKT 

They spend 95% of their on-campus time at the Outpost eating, drinking, socializing, partying, and occasionally pretending to study during the day (even though they’re objectively in a really difficult program). You’ll see them every time you go out, and they’ve definitely hooked up with your roommate sometime last year. Their weekends start with Thursdays at the Post, and thereafter consist of hitting up all the parties on the College/Beverly ave. circuit, and then going downtown to get blackout at Crocks. You wonder how they’re passing classes, and how everyone on campus seems to know them through a friend.

  1. Business Student #GALA #LUBAGolf

They’re here to make money, and think business is what gives them the most options (even though the subject matter couldn’t be dryer). The program consists of all the popular kids from high school, and you can find them on the fourth floor of the library working on group projects just a little too loudly (also bitching about Finance II, possibly because they’re repeating it for the third time and can’t graduate until they pass). They have no time for your anti-capitalist sentiments and your hippie social justice tendencies. They live in the real world where time is money and all your political-philosophy ideology is wasting their time! They are good at social media, are the first people to connect with you when you join Linkedin, and are an aspiring or active member of Shift. You can regularly spot them at the Foundry. They will tell you about how #REKT they got at the last Luba Gala, or at the summer LUBA golf tournament. Their future is likely in a bank, or a PR firm if they’re pretty.

  1. The #Lifer 

They are over 27, possibly in their mid thirties, no one really knows for sure. They have a cool tattoo that has a very deep meaning, or so you heard from someone that hooked up with them. They’ve been working on their bachelor’s degree long before WIFI came to Lakehead, and will tell you about LUSU scandals that occurred long before your time. (Did you hear about that time the election was supposedly fixed? Or when LUSU took all it’s execs to Canada’s Wonderland for a “conference?” They lived it.)  They will tell you about the Early 2000’s, back when they went to highschool, and if you get to know them, they might even show you their old MySpace for the Ska band they started in ‘04. They’re friends with all the professors, possibly calling a few of them by first name, and will likely raise their hand in class to say something philosophical about that last Chaucer book they read, and how it ties into the lecture.

  1. Kin Students  #smoothies #bro 

They’re incredibly fit, smart, and will always have a smoothie or protein shake in hand. They’ve mastered the art of wearing athleisure clothing around campus and if you’re working out next to them at the gym, they will make you feel bad. #goals. They’re probably some sort of Varsity athlete, and you wonder how they have money to eat so well when all you eat is ramen noodles and KD. They’ve probably told you about the Kin Games, apparently a ridiculous weekend of obstacles, competitions, and drinking. You’re not sure what it is, but it sounds like the student-hunger-games-for-fit-people.

  1. The humanities student

Intersectional-Feminist. Marxist. Environmentalist. Anti-Capitalist-Social-Justice-Activist. Believes in creating an equitable society. Laments the crushing, insidious nature of the Western capitalist superstructure and wants to see a society with fair and equitable quality of life for all. Constantly posts Noam Chomsky excerpts and John Oliver clips on Facebook, along with other left-of-centre political musings. Possibly works for The Argus, or LUSU. Is really pumped that Lakehead now has a Masters in Social Justice Program.

  1. The nursing student 

Black caps with the Nike swoosh, lululemon’s, uggs/hunter boots, and a Victoria Secret PINK sweater is the desired campus aesthetic. Always talking about placement, how early they were up this morning, and how they have to memorize all the bones in their hand for tomorrow morning. The girls from your high school in Tbay that didn’t leave town are in this program, and they only hang out with each other, mainly on the fourth floor of the library. They can tell you all about the stages of alcohol poisoning, and will still find time to outdrink you at the Foundry on Friday night.

  1. The English Major 

They will tell you about the last Charles Bukowski book they read, and how he was a misogynist who didn’t respect women, but his work was still so poetic. They probably have a good sense of style and a couple interesting piercings or tattoos. They definitely have a very hip pair of glasses frames. They also play guitar, are very romantic, and will serenade you on your first date. (You’ll probably go to their favourite record shop, grab a latte, and then they’ll play you some Foy Vance/Iron and Wine on guitar. So hip.) They drink a lot of coffee, and can quote you Dante’s Inferno. But don’t ask them to edit your essays, they’ll do it, but they’re tired of you asking. They might be going into teaching. They possibly just want to be a Sommelier, or to take two years off to travel Asia.

  1. Mature student

45, full time student, parent of three, has two part time jobs, still getting better grades than you. Somehow has time to volunteer with clubs and centres on campus and be a good member of the student community. They will explain to you everything that you don’t understand, answer all the questions correctly in class, and still have time to go home and make a killer chicken cacciatore for their partner and kids.

  1. Reccer.

Desired aesthetic:  Arcteryx/Patagonia jacket, blundstones, buff, nalgene bottle. Can spot them biking to school even in sub zero conditions, or creep on pics of them exploring the Northern Ontario wilderness and foraging for some mushrooms and tea while they’re at it. They can’t wait to tell you about their recent canoe trip to Quetico. Or about the psychedelic drugs they tried at Burning Man this year. They love the Sov. You probably smoked weed in their basement once at a party in Freshman year. They made you coffee at the Study this morning, and they’re checking out a sweet Blues band at the Apollo this weekend.

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