And Now for the Fake News

‘Click or Treat’ App allows tots to enjoy Halloween without leaving the couch

By Tim Smith, Copy Editor
From the creators of the Helmet and supporters of Censorship, comes the all-new app that allows children to Trick-or-Treat from home this Halloween. The app was designed in response to growing dangers of enjoying Halloween like the tragically broken millennials of the pre-2000s. Developer Claude Cooper says the risks of trick-or-treating are far too high for today’s youth. The app is designed to eliminate threats such as poisoned candy, neighbourhood predators, excessive exercise, and not fully supervised fun.

Instead of helping them dress up this Halloween, parents are encouraged to help their children make an account on the “Click-or-Treat” app. After registering, children have the option to have one, two, or three pillowcases full of sugar-free, non-gluten, and ethically sourced fruit and vegetable based snacks delivered to their home on Halloween. If the children want more mainstream candy like granola bars or salted cashews, they can pay an extra $2 per bag with the permission of their parents.

Mother of two Cindy Stephens says “I’ve been waiting for an app like this ever since last year when my son Cameron fell down our neighbour’s steps. You just can’t trust the chaos of existing in an uncertain world!”

Sixth grader Louis Reynolds declared the app was the best thing since Pizza Tuesday. “You’re telling me I can get all the candy I want without turning off Minecraft? My mum was going to put me in that damn Ketchup bottle costume again too, I know it. So lame.”