Lakehead School Board to close schools; students dare them to close all the schools

By Jonathan Kettle, Staff Writer

Tensions mounted last week when local high school students “triple dog dared” the school board to man up and close down all the schools, not just some of them.

The counter-offensive move was spearheaded by Kassidy Megans, a grade eleven student at Superior C.V.I, who has prepared a series of well supported arguments for the board to consider their challenge.

“The only thing I reach my full potential doing at school is sleeping, and most of the time that’s not even a group activity,” she says. “When am I ever going to need to solve the quadratic formula or use cell biology? I mean, what does biology have to do with life, you know?”

“It’s too bad the [school] board doesn’t have the balls to close down all the schools,” Megans taunted.

According to reports, the dare hit Director Catherine William’s desk at 4:22 PM last Monday, getting mixed emotions from board officials. William’s told reporters that the offer is “intriguing, to say the least,” and allegedly told Megans to “calm it, bitch.”

Lakehead District School Board has seen a sharp decline in enrolment throughout the last few years, with many schools operating between 60% to 70% capacity; the absent percentage can usually be found revving the engines of their dad’s lifted trucks in Tim Horton’s parking lots. The ancient infrastructure adds to costs further, with most buildings being even older than the Braun Building. Closing down some of the schools simultaneously guilt trips parents into having more children and saves the board’s money. Both things that they try to do regularly.

The projected $6.1 million in savings from merging Hammarskjold with Superior, and Churchill with Westgate, is only the smallest of fractions of the money they can save if the shutdown entirely.

“We can close [the schools] faster than you can ask your mom for a ride to the unemployment office” Williams added.

Some theorize that the merging of the schools is the first step towards the board’s terminus, but according to Williams, “trust us, if we were going to close on you, we’d do it all at once. None of this ‘easing in to it’ bullshit.”

Things escalated when students brought the battle to the board directly. A group of eleven students protested outside of the board office, exhaust pipes pointed sharply at the entrance, poised to assault their unexpected victims in the toxic, dirty, black waste.

The response? Well, let’s say that the phone call home with the threat of the student’s losing access to daddy’s truck was sufficient.

Fortunately, the event ended without incident, and the students are awaiting the board’s next big move.

As of now, no definitive decisions have been made as to regards to the closures, apart from the fact that some, or all of them will take place in the coming year. Megans anxiously awaits the next show-down with the Lakehead board, and is ready to up her lack-of-education game.